Amazing young African boy constructs the unbelievable out of the little that he has

Fascinating. Please discuss here in the comments sections below and with me on twitter @NadiaBilchik

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Overcoming Shyness

Nadia lecturing

Mark Goulston

I had such an incredible response from my last newsletter on overcoming nerves, that when I read Mark Goulston’s article on overcoming holiday shyness, I felt I had to share it with you.

So often people say their innately reserved personality keeps them from being a better networker. I always reply that more reserved people can be great networkers, because networking is about real relationship building, and real relationship building begins with genuine interest.

Mark’s article below, reminds us how powerful it is to JUST LISTEN.

Here’s what Mark wrote:

Usable Insight – Overcome Holiday Shyness By Mark Goulston

“How did you FEEL?”
“What did you THINK?”
“What did you DO?”

I am a Role Specific Extrovert. That means that when the occasion calls for me to be “out there” I strap on some courage and give it my best shot, but it doesn’t come naturally.

Despite all the writing, speaking and networking I do, I am quite shy. One of the reasons I push myself to be “out there” is that I think if I stopped all such activities for three months, I would revert back to the introvert that still lives within. And that is a part of my personality that I don’t want to control me.
Why am I writing about this? A couple reasons. First, the holidays are upon me (and you) and that means, putting on my game face a lot more often than usual. Second, I know that many of you feel exactly the same.

I discovered years ago something that helped me that I hope will help you. I call it FTD Delivery, but it’s not about flowers. I had this habit of going to parties and staring at the onion dip until it turned brown and then I would nag my wife for us to leave. Then one day I said to myself, “Enough of this cowardice, I am going to tonight’s party and by the end of it I will have spoken to three people I don’t know and they’ll be glad we met.” By the end of the evening I had spoken to five people I didn’t know and three of them took my hand with both of their hands, looked me in the eye and said, “It was really great meeting you, perhaps we can follow up.”

After I left I asked myself what on Earth I had done. Then I realized that I had followed the advice, “Be More Interested than Interesting” (which BTW is a favorite chapter in my new book, “Just Listen” Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone [AMACOM, $24.95]). I know that when you ask people to tell you a story they relax and enjoy the experience and are often grateful to you for giving them the gift of your interest. Then I asked all of them three kinds of questions about those stories. The questions caused them to respond with either: “I felt this,” “I thought that,” “I did this.” My asking them questions which elicited such responses caused each of these people to feel I was interested in them (which I was), but more than that, they felt understood and even somewhat known by me.

Why was this so powerful in getting through to others and helping me overcome my shyness? Because our identities are essentially composed of what we feel, think and do (FTD). The sad fact of our lives is that it is becoming a rare experience to feel that people are interested in us, much less that anyone would take the time or make the effort to understand or get to know us. If you show interest in others (vs. just waiting your turn to talk), you’re giving people something they don’t get enough of. And when in return they show appreciation to you for it, your shyness spontaneously goes away except for the sweet awkwardness you might feel in their telling you how much they liked speaking to (and feeling understood by) you.

Become that person who is more interested in others than in being interesting and invite others to share their feelings, thoughts and actions and people will shake your hand and you too can overcome your shyness.

www.markgoulston.com

Overcome Nerves and Develop Confidence

Anchoring at CNN

I have been a prime-time anchor and professional speaker and trainer for
the past twenty years, but even I have experienced moments of terrifying
self-doubt, moments when I have broken out into a cold, heart
palpitating sweat in which my usual sense of breezy self-confidence just
seems to drain away. In fact, I had exactly that kind of moment just
before I was scheduled to introduce media mogul, philanthropist and
restauranteur Ted Turner, who was being honored by the Georgia
Restaurant Association. “Am I the right person for the job?” I wondered.
“How could I possibly do this justice?

Ten minutes later, I walked to the podium to warmly welcome Ted Turner
to one of Atlanta’s premier events – and received numerous compliments
after the event for the “polish” and “warmth” of my performance. It was
as if that paralyzing moment of self-doubt had never existed.

So, how do you deal with moments of self-doubt, times when you have a
crisis of confidence and question your knowledge and ability? How do you
transition to both feeling and projecting a sense of confidence and
strength?

The first step is to remind yourself that you are not alone. Self- doubt
is normal; these kinds of moments can and do happen to anyone in many
kinds of situations. Numerous people on every level, including
accomplished executives and experienced classroom teachers, experience
self-doubt, whether the task at hand is to address a roomful of
executives, or a classroom full of fractious teenagers.

The next step is to use the tried and true strategies of internal
dialogue and visualization to re-establish your sense of your own power
and strength. According to Honore de Belzac, “Nothing is a greater
impediment to getting on well with other people than being ill at ease
with yourself.” Our inner dialogue-what we communicate to ourselves-has
a huge impact on the way we project ourselves in our outer world. At
times of self-doubt, you need to change the tape.

One way is to take a deep breath to neutralize the adrenalin that is
pumping through your system and think back to the positive moments of
your life – what I call your “positive emotional memory database” -
times when you have experienced moments of accomplishment and
satisfaction. Start reflecting on memorable moments of triumph you have
experienced. These memories can be anything from the exhilaration of
winning that tough competition, to capturing a scholarship to your dream
school or interviewing successfully to land that perfect job.

In my case, I visualize the moment when I had the opportunity to
interview then South African President Nelson Mandela, or when I
co-chaired the Women in Film awards with the actress Alfre Woodard. By
recalling these past positive experiences, moments when you have felt
especially empowered, you will be able to replace feelings of doubt with
moments of triumph.

Another very effective “mind trick” to prepare for the task at hand is
to think about how famous Olympic champions prepare for the dive of a
lifetime. How do they do it? It’s time to do the dive. To psyche
themselves up, in their head, they “play a video” of the perfect dive.
Then they stand up on the diving board and visualize themselves
performing this perfect dive, as they’ve done before in other
competitions. Then they execute the perfect dive. In your case, if you
visualize the positive emotional feedback of yourself making an
impressive speech or presentation, you will find yourself looking
forward to the challenge, as opposed to dreading it.

Yet another strategy is what I call making an “attitude adjustment.” In
a book called Mind Power, John Kehoe wrote that while most people
believe they are only as good as their last experience that is just not
true. We are a combination of all of our successes. This means that the
challenge that you are facing right now will not make or break you, even
if it feels that way at the time. In fact, even if the particular task
facing you may not be the slam-dunk you are accustomed to, it doesn’t
mean that all of that past success will just evaporate.

Once you have re-established a sense of inner ease and confidence, you
can begin to craft your communication. You will be amazed at how an
internal sense of ease and confidence can be communicated externally.
Remember, whether it is one person, or more than one thousand people,
your audience cannot see your self-doubt; rather, they can only see what
is presented to them.

Nadia

Lets stay connected:

New York Greater Impact Event Photos

Below are some photos of a recent Greater Impact event held in New York City. Our guest, CNN Business correspondent Ali Velshi came by. Be sure to keep up with me at www.nadiaspeaks.com and on twitter and facebook for future networking events.

The Dos and Don’ts of Business Social Etiquette

It’s the second month of your new job at a large company, and your boss invites you to dinner with a potential client. You know instinctively that this is some kind of test to see how you handle yourself in a social situation, which makes you extremely nervous. What to wear, what to order and what to say are just some of the concerns you face.
So, how do you make this painless, and prove to your boss that you are a social asset? Let’s start with accepting the invitation. Make sure your boss knows you are delighted to accept and feel privileged to be included, even if you are dreading it and wish you weren’t.
Second, make sure you find out what the dress code will be. Most times, the answer will be business casual. If that is the case and you are a man, wear a jacket over a crisp, well-ironed shirt and slacks. You can always take off the jacket if your host does. For women, especially if you are young, young, avoid cleavage, miniskirts or other clothing that is too revealing. Remember you want to be taken seriously, and while provocative dress may get you a date, it won’t enhance your career prospects.
Always take your cues from the host of the event. When you are being seated, wait for the host of the evening to assign seating. If the venue is very formal, and the host keeps his jacket on, then you should do the same. If your host orders a starter and main course then feel free to also order. However, if your host only orders the main, then follow suit. Also, although it is tempting, do not order the most expensive item on the menu; rather, take the lead from the other guests.
As far as cutlery goes, always start with the pieces on the outside and work your way in. Smaller pieces are for starters and the larger knife and fork for your entrée. Wait for the host to start eating before you do, and, even if it feels like you haven’t eaten in days, take your time. Once you have finished eating, close your knife and fork, and don’t scrunch your napkin onto a dirty plate.
The rule for alcohol is simple: Keep it to a minimum. It is easy to behave graciously and in control when sober, but as we all know an “adult beverage” can lower our guard. This is where I have seen so many people inadvertently sabotage themselves. It’s called, getting too comfortable, too familiar and too uninhibited. Keep in mind that everything communicates, and you should make it a point to keep that internal monitoring system switched on at all times.
This is also a chance for you to display your social skills, so ask intelligent questions. If you are at a loss, remember that everyone has a past, present and future, and you can frame your questions accordingly. Just make sure that you take an interest in the answers, but also that you don’t cross boundaries and make your questions too personal.

To Date at Work or Not to Date at Work?

To Date at Work or Not to Date at Work? That is the question, and one that most career advisors strongly caution against, not the least because you could find yourself tangled up in strict Federal laws prohibiting sexual harassment. However, you’re young, work is probably where are you spending most of your time right now, and it is often a place where romances develop. Nevertheless, you would be wise to take a look at the Rules of Engagement, and understand both the joys, and risks of dating a co-worker.

Rule no 1. Be Careful: Think very carefully about whether this is just a possible fling or has real relationship potential. If it’s the latter, you are going to have to be much more cautious than if you were about to embark on a relationship with someone you don’t work with.

Rule Number 2: Keep that internal monitoring system known as your emotional radar switched on. As you well know, once you so much as kiss someone, let alone have sex, the entire dynamic of your relationship changes. Indeed, the minute two people become physically involved, a different part of the brain is engaged, sharply raising the potential for what clinical psychologist Dr. Mark Goulston calls the ‘”amygdala hijack”. He is referring to situations when your sane, rational, intelligent brain shuts down, and is replaced with out-of-control, primitive reactions. We tend to sabotage or do damage to ourselves in unconscious moments, and these kinds of moments have the potential to be very damaging.

Also all too often there is an imbalance of feelings and one person is more invested in the relationship than the other. Needless to say, it is in these situations that a level of uncontrollable emotion can arise. When that happens a perfectly sane, rational person can become quite embarrassingly irate when arguing with a lover.

Clearly you can see how harmful bursting into tears or having a jealous tirade can have on your image at work. I often remind participants in my workshops and presentations that everything you do and say communicates who you are. Essentially, you are being branded whether you are consciously involved in the process or not.

You could also find yourself out of a job. This happened to a friend of mine who started dating the owner of the company where she was working. At first, she was on a total high. After all, she thought, dating the boss could only be advantageous. And it was, until co-workers became aware of their romance. In addition to the gossip, there was the belief that she was getting preferential treatment based on the relationship and not on her dedication and hard work. Then, as the relationship became volatile, she became insecure about her job. Her fears were well founded; when the relationship ended, her boss found a reason to fire her. She still looks back at the situation with regret, and wishes she had kept their relationship on a professional footing.

In essence, my advice is don’t totally avoid developing a relationship with a co-worker, if after a great deal of thought and time you feel that you really have something special, but don’t be impulsive. It is critical that you take the time to carefully assess your ability to handle a sensitive, emotional scenario in a work environment and act accordingly.

5 Important Communication Tips to help you Make it through the Holiday Season

As we all know Holiday time is sometimes stressful. We often find ourselves spending time with family who although we care a great deal about, we don’t have that much in common with.

HERE ARE 5 COMMUNICATION SUGGESTIONS/TIPS TO HELP YOU MAKE IT HAPPILY THROUGH THIS HOLIDAY SEASON:

1. We all know the power of showing interest in others. Dale Carnegie put it so well when he said “you can make more friends in two weeks being interested in other people than in two years trying to get them interested in you” Yet so often we retain these well known philosophies for business purposes only. This year why don’t you try and apply this to your holiday interactions. Show genuine Interest in your family and friends, ask caring questions and really listen with concern.

2. Do you have an older aunt, grandmother, or family friend? They are very familiar to you, you have known them since you were a child, but do you really know them. Have you ever asked them about where they were when JFK was assassinated and how they felt when Watergate broke? Have you ever asked them what the most daring thing they ever did? There is often a whole aspect of a person’s personality that is dormant until you ignite the memory. It will give you a whole new perspective and everyone will have a more meaningful interaction.

3. Starting conversations always takes effort and often we are not sure what to say. Remember everyone has a past, present and future. You can always come up with questions based on this simple framework. Starting with the past, where did you go to school, what inspired you to become an architect, when did you first know you wanted to become a doctor etc. On to the present, what projects are you working on, what is exciting/ frustrating challenging with what you’re involved with right now………..and then on to where do you hope to be in 5 years/ what are your goals etc. This works well if you are sharing the holidays with people you don’t know very well, or your children invite friends over or your land up having to sit with your partner’s friends at an office holiday party.

4. You never know when or how you meet people that may influence your life. So often we make a decision about a gathering without giving the experience a chance. I will never forget going to a New Years Eve party with my single sister in law. We arrived at a friend’s house for a celebration and my single sister-in-law took one look at the guests and the loud karaoke and decided to go home. What she didn’t realize was that sitting in the kitchen was the hostess’s single brother who was visiting from New York and would have loved to have met her. Give people and situations a chance. Remember, it is very often the people we meet through others that impact our lives.

5. Family dynamics can be complicated and very often we react without even thinking. This year be conscious of the dynamics, become aware of what irritates you and ask yourself if in fact your reaction is warranted. If somebody says something that upsets you let them know in a really diplomatic way. My sister is in the habit of criticizing my oldest daughter, she probably isn’t even conscious of doing it. It really worked at a recent family gathering when I said “you know it really hurts me when you say that, it would help me a lot more if you spent some time with her and tried to get to know her” she took her shopping and they had a great day. That was far more constructive than telling her to look at her own children or harboring deep seated resentment.

It’s important to find sanctuary and create peace in our homes. Make this holiday season one of conscious communication and the creation of meaningful and caring relationships.

Some advice for those holiday parties you just love

“I hate going to holiday parties,” my friend Jane complained.

“What don’t you like?” I asked.

“I’m not great at mingling, and I don’t like making small talk.”

“Anything else?”
I get tired of telling people my life history and what I do for
a living,” Jane replied.

“I think I know the problem, Jane. You look at these parties as
an obligation rather than a golden opportunity.”
Jane looked surprised when I suggested he might need an attitude
adjustment. I suggested that she should look at these gatherings
as a wonderful way to network and expand her circle of social or
business relations. Remember Networking is not only who you know,
but who knows you….and more importantly who knows you that actually cares!

Here are a few other tips to help you turn holiday parties into wonderful Networking
opportunities:

Tip #1: Go in with an open mindset; remember everything you have learned about
Networking as “an attitude”, “a way of being”
“I’m going to meet at least two new people tonight” or “I’m going to get to know at least two people better, or in more depth. (As said by the Baltimore Networking group)
carry a pen so that you can write information on the back of people’s cards that may be
helpful after the party.

Tip #2: Remember names.
To help you remember someone’s name, repeat the name
as soon as you hear it — “Nice to meet you, Sandi.” Or find an association, Max…
Yes that is my dog’s name!

Tip #3: Don’t be embarrassed.
If you forget someone’s name (and most of us do), confess
as soon as you realize you’ve forgotten it. We often forget the
name in the first few minutes. The longer we wait to ask, the
more awkward it is to ask. Keep in mind, the other person has
probably already forgotten your name, too.

Tip #4: Make others feel important by showing Show Genuine Interest
Remember, people remember the way you make them feel, long after they remember
Exactly what you said. .

Tip #5: “Help! I’m stuck in a boring conversation.”
If you wish to end a conversation, use the “Compliment, Need,
and Compliment” Technique: “Mike, you’ve really done some great
things this year. I need to say hello to some other people. I
really enjoyed chatting with you.” Other needs might include
using the restroom, getting something to eat, or refreshing your
drink.

PLEASE ADD YOUR TIPS TO THE LIST…..

The Ultimate Upgrade!

Last week was the perfect example of how Social Media, and particularly LinkedIn, can be a great first point of contact in the Networking Process.

Let me tell you my lovely and totally true story. A few weeks ago, I began the process of customizing my talk for the ERC (Employee Relocation Conference) on Enhancing Career Relationships. This led me to a random search on LinkedIn for attendees of the Chicago event. The first person I came across was Michelle Sandlin, a relocation expert from Houston Texas.

I sent her a LinkedIn invite with a note letting her know that I was speaking at the conference, and asking her permission to do an informational interview to better understand the industry. She was charming, and a week before the conference we had a great conversation about this very specific industry.

I arrived in Chicago late on Wednesday, the night before the conference. To my utter amazement and surprise the Hyatt Regency had upgraded me to the Presidents palatial suite. It was too fabulous not to share, and the only person I knew at the conference, or at least knew virtually was Michelle. So, I called her and reintroduced myself, and much to her surprise insisted she come and see my extraordinary suite. Michelle was charming, friendly and warm, and once she saw my remarkable accommodations, she invited a few of her friends to join us.

Anyway, what transpired was a warm, convivial evening and the introduction to many new friends and potential business associates.

Why I am sharing this story with you, is to remind us all of the power of social media in making the initial contact. Had I not gone onto LinkedIn I would never have known Michelle would be at the conference, and chances are we would never have met. The point also, is once you have made contact ONLINE, that is no guarantee of a meaningful relationship. It was meeting IN PERSON, that has made the real difference, and solidified what I believe will be a lifelong COLLABORATION.

To read Michelle’s side of the story, please click here.

Just another way we can expand our networks, and transform initial connections into real collaboration.

My interview with Laura Turner Seydel on CNN

Hey every – today if you go to www.cnn.com/goinggreen you’ll find the interview I did with Laura Turner Seydel of the Eco Manor in Atlanta. As you know Laura is the daughter of CNN founder Ted Turner and as she explains, the green movement has been a life long way of life for the Turners.

www.cnn.com/goinggreen